musings on worship and christian living


Hosanna and a Wonderful Grace
May 29, 2008, 2:33 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I apologize in advance for the length of this blog.  Some things just can’t be said short.

I will make a confession… I’m a thinker.  My brain never really stops moving, except for those moments of bliss where I get caught in an amazing phrase of music and all time seems to stop.  My brain keeps me up at night (like now) and wakes me up in the morning.

Like all things this tendency can lead to both wonderfully creative and wonderfully destructive things.  It has lead to a list of written songs now approaching 30 in the last year.  However my mind doesn’t always center on the creative.  It also frequently centers on fear.  You name it, I’ve feared it.  Fear of not moving forward, fear of moving to fast, fear of saying the wrong things or the consequences of not saying anything.  Fear of hurting someone, fear of not being good enough.  Fear of not being worth anothers love, or even their interest.  Fear of having inadequate gifts.  Am I a good enough singer to be doing anything with music or should I just hang it up?  Are my songs catchy enough, too long, to short?  Probably the biggest of all my fears (besides heights) is always that of failure.  Will the relationships I build, the music I write, the legacy I leave be that of consistency, integrity and love and respect, or of someone who always said the wrong things, always made the wrong steps and fell flat on his face?  Did he learn every lesson a day to late and miss out on everything good that God tried to put in his path?

Sometimes (and I use sometimes lightly) I get caught up so much in fear, that I fail to see the wonderful things around me.  And more importantly, I fail to enjoy them for what they are as I try to push for what I think they could be.  Not only do I miss the enjoyment of every experience, but I more often than not destroy any potential for something greater to happen.

So what does this have to do with hosanna and a wonderful grace?  Well, because that’s a prayer and an answer in one sentence, and one that God finally pounded into my head Sunday night.  And I say pounded, because I wasn’t listening when God spoke over, and over again.

For about two weeks now every time I opened my myspace it played the same song.  Grace That Sets me Free.  Considering that the music is set to play at random I found that to be quite odd and took notice.  Day after day it happened and I wondered why.  About a week ago I thought I found my answer.  A friend of mine shared something from their past, a choice that had been made outside of God’s will.  I thought sure God had been preparing me to see beyond this mistake and see the amazing, Christ changed person in front of me.  And without looking back I did just that and looking in their eyes saw a redeemed Child of God.

But the song kept playing.  Because what I missed was that this wasn’t about my friend.  It was about me.  God had redeemed them long ago, it was me that was off that path and needed to live in grace.  How foolish of me to believe that it was another who needed grace more than myself.

But if finally came.  The moment of hosanna and a wonderful grace.  Sunday morning was awesome.  I was reminded that I needed to listen to God.  And so I closed my eyes and listened.

God – “Do you trust me?”
Me – “… no.”
Me – “… oh… did I say that out loud.  I meant to say no.  Shoot…”
God – “Just trust me.  Be patient and don’t fear.”
Me – “deep breathes… deep breathes… breathe the fear away.”
God – “your and idiot…”
Me – “I know… but I’m afraid to be anything else.”
God – “deep breathes… be patient and don’t fear.”

In that moment I knew how far I was off.  I trusted myself more than God.  I really didn’t trust God to handle anything, and left to myself all I could do was fear because what do I know?  I was destined to fear, and destined to destroy every good thing God sent my way despite every attempt to save.  Then Sunday night I learned to stay out of everyone else’s backpack.  And since this blog is super long I’m not going to get into that, but it is awesome stuff that taught me to love people how they are and how to work on myself.

And that’s why God had been playing the song over and over and over all week.  A wonderful grace that I needed.  And that’s why just a few weeks before I recorded God woke me up to write more words to describe his grace, a grace we cannot live without.  “Wonderful, marvelous beautiful.  Glorious love so incomparable.  Matchless, amazing, magnificent.  Indescribable gift nailed there on a tree.  Given so that we could be free.”  Because I cannot claim the amazing grace of a risen Lord and live in fear.  I cannot live empowered by grace if I don’t let God run the show.  And so I sang a new song Sunday night which have the words, “sing hosanna, sing out loud.  let deliverance be found here in our praise.”  For the word hosanna is a cry for deliverance, a deliverance I began to find Sunday night.  A deliverance into a wonderful grace that frees us to experience all of life, each and every moment and every stage with incredible joy.

I pray I didn’t learn these lessons a day late.  But whatever happens from this moment on I can say with certainty that today has been the best day I can remember.

Blessings,

Nathan

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